Sunday, October 23, 2005
Many things that I wanna tell somebody who was once so important to me, and still is. But I cannot. Because to tell everything to that someone needs alot of courage, and that's what I am lack of.
This blog is my precious, because I let all the rubbish out here. And I will do it now as this burden is to heavy to be kept in my heart.
I was too naive to imagine that my life was a fairytale, because fairytales always end with a 'happily ever after'. I told myself not to trust any of these anymore, but I cant do it. Weak eh?
Read this boring story of mine.
On a particular day I was at a friend's place staying overnight, using the laptop, and crappy *K came and talked to me on MSN. As usual, he asked me to intro some girls. -_-" Jokingly, I asked him to intro some guys to me in return (I was still single that time). Then came *J into our conversation. Ya.. kp-ed and kp-ed.
J seemed a nice guy to me. Being the playful sort, I thought maybe he would make a nice boyfriend. =P We started talking on MSN, then the phone. About a week later, we decided that we should meet up.
I met him, and he was really a nice guy, I must say. So I started to develop a small little cute crush on him. =D We went out about twice then suddenly a question popped out of his mouth and surprised me. Obvious what was the question is right..
I was shocked, stunned, everything. I didn't know how to answer or what to say and do. Well, maybe I should just try out because I've got a crush on J! Yay.
But when I realised my true feelings for him, I felt bad. Really bad. It was only a like, and not love. I tried very hard to love, but I couldn't. I kept everything to myself because I didn't want to hurt anyone. And someone really has got to get hurt, it has to be me. Because I'm the bad guy here.
Until one day, a quarrel broke out and led us to a breakup. I was totally fine with it, I did not even shed a tear. That was the strong me.
J regretted and asked me for another chance. I was reluctant at first, but I thought, why not give it another shot?
Feelings started to develop after time. And it grew deeper and deeper each day. I know this is not gonna be forever, thus I told myself not to put my whole heart into this relationship. I thought I was strong, but I was very wrong.
Another quarrel led me to break up with J few weeks ago, which I regretted very much. I put down my pride, called him and apologise for my temper. Then we're alright after that! Yay.
Many a times I cannot stand this stupid guy, but I know I love him. Yes, LOVE. Because of this word that touched my heart, I know I cannot bear to let it go. For everything that he has done for me, and the word 'LOVE', I tolerated.
J started working and we began to drift apart. Time have been tight for us, calls have lessen and the gap is bigger day by day.
Eventually we came to a decision that we should go and think about what we both really want. I am sure about what I wanted - to be with him, though I know I would still get hurt in the end. I didn't know why. And he thought that we should go our seperate ways.
I am sad. Very sad that I burst out in tears. I wanted so badly to hug someone but there was no one for me at that time. I felt like collapsing.
I know everything takes time, be it letting go or getting back together. But who understands how I feel now? I was lying to myself, trying to be strong in front of my friends. It's just living a life of misery. And I am so very sure that it is up to me to give up, but I don't want to. Go ahead and say I'm stupid. When it comes to love, a person is blind. I am so blinded by everything now.
It is not anyone's fault here. In a r/s, no one is to blame. He is not a bad guy.. He's someone whom I am so happy being together with, and I'm sure he feels the same way too. But because of this gap, he is confused. I don't know what to do now except cry, cry, and cry.
This love.. Ended after 2 months 25 days.
It's so painful. Don't talk to me about fate, it sucks. I don't believe in that. Because fate is in your own hands. You create your own destiny.
J: Thanks for everything, be it happiness or sorrows. I love you.
I will wait, patiently. Silly? Stupid? Whatever. I like. =)
Getting hurt is inevitable. I don't know what decision to make. Should I cry or give up? Do you feel the same? Should I love you, forget about you or continue to hide and run away from reality?
audrieeee@hotmail.com
